Fidya Tanner Ayala. Once Loved, Never to be Forgotten.

 

Fidya Tanner Ayala came to us in March 2008. I guess you could call him a filler. We had a void, and Fidya filled that void. Being named after my favorite Russian student, he constantly got called a "she." I hope the real Fidya never comes to America, and if he does, I hope he changes his name. We gave Fidya his middle name because he loved to let the sun beams soak into his black fir.

For a long time, Fidya was our one and only. He was our pride and joy, our morning and our evening star. We couldn't bare to leave him at home alone, so we took him everywhere with us. Parties, road trips, work, you name it. He was loved by all who had the opportunity to be in his presence. Once our first child came along, it wasn't so much that way. I regret losing sight of who he was to us, that our love changed a little after we started having kids, but we still remember how much we loved him when he first came into our lives. We just started to love him in a different way, more as a pet, less as a child. And as a pet, he was so great with children. He would let them chase him around as much as they wanted. He actually welcomed the attention. He never became jumpy or scared around kids. In fact he loved all that they had to offer. The sticky hands, the fact that they would drop food on the ground for him to clean up. He was just the best indoor dog one could ask for (aside from the occasional accident he liked to have at my mom's house. Sorry Mom). (I use the word "occasional" loosely.)

Fidya has cheated death a few times in his life. The first time was when he ate an entire plate of brownies. We game him several doses of hydrogen peroxide mixed with water, but it just didn't seem to do the trick. We thought he was a goner, he was so sick, but he got over it by the next day or so. The second time was when he ate, I don't know how much, laundry detergent, we think. Either that or it was a snail. Whatever it was, it was causing him to bubble and foam uncontrollably at the mouth for hours. We weren't sure what was going to happen. He threw up several times, and by the next morning, he was fine! So resilient. The third time was when he came face to face with a coyote. The coyote won that battle. Grabbed Fidya by the neck and shook him around with his teeth. My brother Jesse heard the screaming and ran out and scared the coyote off. Jason took Fidya to the vet who cleaned his wounds and said that if he would have bit in just a tiny bit more that he would have taken Fidya's life. We had to clean his wounds for weeks and bare through the post traumatic stress that followed such an experience. He could be heard screaming 3 or 4 times throughout the day and night, just randomly. Then he would shake in fear. No pain, just anguish. But he healed eventually. He always healed, eventually, until now. 

My mom once had a dream that she came out into her family room and Fidya was being roasted on a rotisserie in her fireplace and when she looked to Jason and I, we both just said it was for the better. 

So maybe this is for the better. We are faced with having to put Fidya down. He has developed a cancerous tumor that has spread and there's nothing we can do for him except love him until his last day. I believe he has a higher purpose to fill in the eternities to come. Hopefully when we die and hear all he has to say to us that he won't be upset by our disciplining decisions or by our more recent neglect. For the 5 years that we have had him, he has truly been a joy. It is with great sadness and not without tears that I now say goodbye to him. Once loved, never to be forgotten. Our firstborn. Our Fidya Tanner. 

New beginnings

Well I have been waiting a while to write a new post until the job stuff became official and I knew we were going to be moving, but then once we found out Jason got the job life became incredibly busy and  I haven't really had any time to blog, so here I am, 6 weeks later, all moved in to our new house, and everyone already knows our business.

 Life is exciting, however, I will be the first to admit that life was hard when we first moved in. I knew before we moved and when I was so excited to get my life started that it wouldn't be as grand as I was making it up to be in my mind. Are you ever fully satisfied or is it always the future that seems to be so much more satisfying than the present? I knew I would be a little homesick, but I knew nothing of what homesickness was. When we finally moved into our ginormous house, it felt way to huge compared to the close quarters we had been living in for the past 2 1/2 years. We had too much open space. Jason and I felt really weird about it. I had felt really good about moving here and about the fact that everything had seemed to fall right into our laps. We had no trouble getting the job, getting a car, getting a house, getting a fridge, etc... but then when we got here, it was all thrown right into my face and I was confused. I didn't know if we had made the right decision or the wrong decision. I couldn't figure out the root of my problem. I didn't know if moving to another house would make me happy, or if I needed to move to Fresno and Jason could commute, and that would make me happy, or if it was a money issue because our rent isn't as low as we would like it to be, or what exactly was bothering me. I figured it out on the first Sunday we were here. We went to church, and definitely didn't love it. I was thinking that everything would be okay once we went to church; that there would be park days and welcoming people all over to just come up to us and we would immediately feel like we fit in somewhere. Well it was a huge let down. We got there and the opening prayer was said in spanish, half the people were singing in spanish, and one of the talks was given in spanish and translated into english. Then with tears in my eyes I brought Z to nursery where he seemed to do really well, but still I didn't want to be there. No one said anything about park day or any kind of girl get together days. So I went home more depressed than ever in my life. After the kids' naps, we decided to go to a park that we had gone to when we first moved in a few days back. It was about 5 o'clock, and it was hot, overcast and muggy. So we're playing, and up walks this couple with their 3 kids. I had seen this guy in the foyer  with a couple of his kids and so I figured they were in our ward, so we went up to them and asked them if they were in our ward and they said they were in the other ward that meets in that building. They said they had just moved out of that ward and they didn't care for it as much as the ward they were in now. So I told her about our experience and how no one had really invited us to any park groups or anything and she said that they had park days, girls nights, book club, you name it and that I should come because their park group was pretty small. What a load off! I felt 85% happier after meeting her. I don't think I even shed another tear. I still felt homesick, don't get me wrong, but it was the beginning of a new healing. I ended up going to a girls night that Tuesday, which turned out to be more fun than I thought it would be seeing as I was new and I didn't know anyone, and then from there on out we had several park days, swim days, and book club most recently. I have really been enjoying myself. I have since gone to a couple park days with my own ward, which have also been really great, and it's really fun to get to know new people. 

But I just want to say that I believe God is always watching out for us. I knew it was the right thing to move here, but I had lost sight of that in all my misery, and I prayed (and even got a blessing from Jason) that I would be happy again and not feel so despairing because I was sure I couldn't take even one more day of feeling that way. And when I was in my darkest hole, as usual, God helped me out. He sent me that family at the park that day. I know he did. And since then, life has only gotten better. I finally feel like this is becoming our home. Whether we end up here long term or if we move back to Santa Cruz in a couple years, as long as it's where we are supposed to be then I know it will end up being great. 

I feel like Jason and I are both growing spiritually and finally we are growing together as a couple again. It felt like we had taken a big long break when we moved into my parents house. We've almost had to get to know each other again but it's coming along. And we are figuring out who we are as a family. Also I am really thoroughly enjoying being a mom (as I sit here and snap at Z to be patient, "I am almost done!" haha). I love to clean up the house and make it homey and make dinners and make breakfast and whipped cream and baked stuff and all manner of delicious treats. Z is really coming out of his shell. He's much more outgoing and is making friends really easily. He seems to be adjusting the best out of all of us. Life is really great. Some days I feel like I could stay here forever and be happy. Only time will tell what's right for us, but I know we will end up where we are supposed to be in the end. God has a plan for every one of us. We just need to find out what it is and that alone should make us happier than anything else. THE END. 

Automobiles, Hit and Runs, Drunk Drivers, and Hope

Well on Saturday, as Jason, Z, Taylor and I were coming home from a fun filled day at the flee market (complete with every kind of white trailer trash you can think of) we came across two cyclers on either side of Old San Jose Road. We were the 2nd people on the scene. Jason, being trained to deal with these kinds of things, got out of the car to go and see if he could help while me and the kids stayed in the car to wait. So Jason did his thing, helped in whatever way he could, which wasn't much since there were already two RN's there, and then he got back in the car. I had decided to turn the car off since we were waiting for so long, but when he tried to turn the car back on, it turned out that the battery had died. Luckily a tow truck passing by had stopped so we asked him to give us a jump.

That night we went to the adult session of Stake Conference. We wanted to get home quickly because it was late and we wanted to salvage what was left of our Saturday night so after the prayer was said, we made a B-line for the door. Unfortunately we got stopped by about 8 different people who all wanted to talk our ears off, so finally we made it out of there commenting the whole way about how popular we are and everything but also rolling our eyes a little bit. Well we finally made it to our exit. Summit Road. It wasn't 20 seconds after we got off that we saw something hazy in front of us and came to a skidding halt. After getting a closer look, we saw a dark blue SUV turned over in our lane, smoking, people still in it banging on the window screaming, "help! Somebody help!" And screaming all other kinds of obscenities.  In a panic I told Jason, "there's two people in that car! Get out and help them!" and I quickly got Taylor out of the car so she didn't get hit in case someone coming around the corner came around too fast to notice us. So Jason went up to the car and was yelling at the two girls to unlock the door and they were just too out of it to take directions. They finally just ended up crawling out the back window which was all smashed in. So two blond girls about in their twenties emerge, obviously intoxicated. As other people arrived on the scene they started trying to call 911 but apparently all circuits were busy. Finally someone got through, a tourist, and she didn't even know where we were so Jason grabbed her phone and started telling the dispatcher our location. After that he went over to the girls and laid them down and tried to help them. One was totally covered in blood and the other was perfectly fine. Most graciously the one covered in blood kept grabbing at Jason (I'm afraid we might have to throw his shirt away it is so stained with her blood) and he kept having to smack her hand away. Also we could hear them whispering to each other to tell the police that the driver had taken off so when the police finally got there Jason had to tell them the real story. Turns out, after talking to Trevor Smith, our CHP friend, that the driver has had 3 DUI's now and since she injured her friend she is supposed to go to jail for at least a year. We'll see if that happens.

The interesting thing is that if we would have been there just 20 seconds earlier, I am fairly certain we would have been smashed into. Thank heavens we are popular. ;)

It also turns out that there have been 2 cycling hit and runs this week that resulted in fatalities. One of them wasn't found until 12 hours later and had been alive on the side of the road for 6 hours before he died. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the world tour that's coming through this area this week. I don't think cycling is such a good idea.

On Saturday night at the accident I saw something leaking out of Jason's car, but it was too dark to see what it was so Jason just assumed it was coolant. Guess not because on Monday he was driving to school and his car started sounding like a diesel truck and then it died. Needless to say he ran out of oil and his engine is shot. Bummer. That was our reliable car, too. Our other car we have been expecting to die for quite some time now. Talk about the crap hitting the fan.

All in all it was a pretty busy week and it hasn't slowed down yet. That seems to be the way of our life these days. So exciting. Jason has a few interviews in the next couple of weeks so we are hoping somebody picks him up and gives him a good job so we can finally move out of our family's house that we've been living in for 2 1/2 years and get our life started again. I know something will work out, so despite trials in our life, I am looking up with a hopeful eye. My hopes could come crashing down as they usually do, but all one can do is hope. I would be one very down person if I couldn't at least hope.
I am thankful for what I have in my life at this time, and am hoping for things to get better.

And my song for the day is:

Keith Urban's "Better Life"

Thanks for reading. :)

New babies, family and life.

Well that first post was actually posted a lot longer ago than it says. But yes, we had a baby boy on October 21, 2009. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and 21 inches long. Don't ask me what his head circumference was. We named him Zacharias Arthur. Arthur after my grandfather and Zacharias after John the Baptist's father. We call him Z since I never really loved the name Zach. It always makes me think of Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. Love the show, but Zach is too cocky. At any rate, Z was the happiest baby right from the start. Also very alert. I swear he didn't sleep for the first 3 days. He has been a star child ever since.

We have felt very lucky, and then on December 27, 2011 we were blessed to have a baby girl. Despite what the midwife predicted, she came out only 7 lbs 1 oz, 2o inches long. We named her Taylor Rose. Taylor after Jason's middle name and Rose for my middle name. Taylor didn't come out as alert or as happy as Z. In fact she has had a permanent look of worry across her brow since day one, minute one. It's pretty funny. And when she gets really worked up and is really crying out, she will look me right in the eye with her hands out and shaking, and just yell. I have to laugh (which is a little insensitive I know) because she seems to be such a drama queen! But she is adorable. We couldn't love her more. She is 3 months old now and has rolled over a couple times, and just started laughing yesterday at her Aunt Hannah. She is starting to look a little less worried these days as her spirit settles into her little body and she becomes more in control of her movements.

Z loves spending time with her and holding her and has the most sensitive heart. He feels so sad when he accidentally hurts her (as he did the other day by running full speed into her head with his red wagon).

We are all four a very happy family. I couldn't ask for anything better in my life than the blessing of a good and supportive, motivated husband and two wonderful children.

Thank you for reading.

AlJayZTee over and out.

My first post ever, actually posted in April 2009

Our family started out small, but we are growing. We found our first son at the SPCA in Santa Cruz, California. We named him Fidya Tanner Ayala and he is our very own pride and joy. He has brought so much to our lives that we thought we would add another baby. This baby is due on October 24, 2009. We are excited to find out what it is on June 4, 2009, but we are thinking it's a boy. Our family is growing through love and play. It doesn't get better than this!